Good Times

Most people know that I am flying in the face of recession...tra la!!!

Well, because I want you, too, to experience some of the "Good Times" like I have, 

I will share my top, "you go girl," "what recession?" moment of the week. 

I call it: Flexible Spending JACKPOT!!!!!

One member of my child-rearing team is still working. I'll give you a hint: it's not me.  Before I lost my job, we decided to allocate LOTS and LOTS of pre-tax money for dependent care (that I  can't afford, now that I have no job) and medical expenses that aren't covered under our "insurance fantastico" (as I like to call it).  I need that cash back.  So, I have been reading page after insufferable page of our Flexible Spending Account Bible to find out what items I might be able to cash in on. This is particularly funny, because its my own money, that's now theirs, that I am REALLY excited about getting back.

So here I am, reading into the night, straining my eyes (but don't worry, glasses ARE COVERED) and what do I find?  Well, friends, I find this, and am happy to share it with you:

CONDOMS ARE REIMBURSABLE!!!!!!  

That's right!  Have all the protected eco-sex you want, using three or four condoms at once!!! No worries here! You can get your hard-earned, pre-tax, "jiggy" dollars back!  

Well, this was just too wonderful.  Then, it hit me.  Imagine having to fill out that form for reimbursement.  You must enclose that receipt for the glow-in-the-dark variety pack you selected as a "joke" (and yet still used) with your signature on it.  You might be embarrassed to run for congress with THAT little piece of paper floating around...

So, and because I care about you (and I have LOTS of free time), I decided to desensitize (no pun intended) as many of the staff of one of the largest flexible spending companies in the US.  I  called the company over and over again, asking every question about condom reimbursement I could.  

"Is there a limit to how many condoms/condom expenses they will reimburse?"  

"Does it matter if the condoms weren't used with the person who makes the payments into this, particular, flexible spending account?"  

"What was the highest dollar reimbursement ever made for condoms (I said I would wait while they asked around)?"  

"Did they feel comfortable processing these claims, even if it was against their religious, moral or ethical principles?"

"What if the condoms were just for 'fun' and not actual birth control?"

"What kinds of condom reimbursement claims raise 'the red flag?'"

I called and got at least 12 different representatives.  I did this over and over for you, friends.  There isn't one representative who isn't completely habituated to ANY question about condom reimbursement.  

So, go ahead, make that claim.  Buy condoms for ALL your pals.  Give them to teens that look like they might need them.  Let your kids (who may, ironically, be the result of faulty condoms) make water balloons.  You'll be reimbursed with no shame, questions, or giggles. I made sure...because I care.

  

Keeping it Eco not Pollu

I'm as concerned about the world's end as much as the next neurotic over-consumer  - really.  So I stayed up all night worrying about our new eco-problems for you.  Here are some things that I think you and I could do to save the world:

1) Use the prefix "eco" for everything.  Eco-awareness is really important to our mission.  So, if my husband and I make out, without using any paper, electricity or coal, this shall now be deemed "eco-mating."  Spread the eco-word to your eco-pals.  Also, just in case this gets "old" I think we should use the prefix "pollu-" for things that kill our world.  So, pollu-washing your car would be a wasteful, hose-using act.

2) Water is at a premium.  Somebody on NPR (so it's true) said that there is somewhere around 3 or 4 gallons of fresh water on the planet that we are all using, cleaning and sharing with the next human.  While this is disgusting (particularly if you are the 10th or 11th person using it), we should all be thinking about the next eco-dude - and our planet.  So, here are my new water-saving tips: 

a) encourage your kids to go to the bathroom outside, where they won't be tempted to flush.  They can use eco-leaves to wipe - saving paper, too!

b) let your pets clean your baked on messes.  My dog will spend, approximately, 2-3 hours working on a filthy lasagna pan with baked-on cheese.  Good for him!!! Good for our eco-world!!! Pre-soaking accounts for WAY too much water.  Let's put non-emissions (unless you have a bulldog, but it gasses anyway, so you're not ADDING emissions) dog power to work and save some water, people!!! Further, I have to tell you that, at least my dog, does a better job than the 2-hour scrub cycle on my pollu-washing Bosch.  After the dog is done, I spray the pan with Lysol (non-aerosol) and put it in the eco-full dishwasher.  I think I save about 40 gallons of water a month doing this.  I am really thinking of letting my dog clean my oven soon.  I'll keep you posted.

c) I learned this next tip from my brother, when he was a rock and roll musician, living on the cheap.  Do away with all your clothes washing.  Go to the thrift-store on "fill-a-bag" day (using your reused grocery bag).  Pick a bag of clothes.  Wear them until they smell.  Tear them up for rags or make them into dog-toys, earth-friendly insulation - whatever.  Buy new ones next week.  You have eco-saved thousands of gallons of water.   

d) Kick it old school/renaissance.  Leave your clothes out in the rain.  Passive-washing, as I am now naming it is cool.  Let the clothes dry in the sun.  Your clothes will be sorta clean without using any soap, water or pollu-energy.  What the hell is perfume for, anyway?  Those eco-cats in the 1600s used the "spray and (don't) wash" philosophy and it worked!  Look at all the art!  They don't look unhappy or worried about our planet!

e) Some of us can't be creative unless we're forced.  So, don't pay your water bill for, about, 3 months.  Having your water turned off is enlightening and will really help you think of new ways to save water.  My kid enjoy the neighbors' sprinklers for showers - its dual-purpose eco-water AND my kids get some time away from the Wii.

3) Decide on the ONE, SINGULAR resource you will be saving (i.e., water, electricity) and stick to that ONE.  Learn from our 1970s, feminist leaders: You will make yourself crazy if you try to do it all.  Thinking about the cloth-diaper versus disposable diaper thing will kill you - honestly.  "Cloth diapers save the land-fill...but disposables don't use water in washing machines...but cloth diapers are re-usable and, therefore, have less manufacturing pollu-impact."  See?  I spent an entire month of child-rearing time arguing about this with my cohort.  I COULD have spent it recycling plastic or calling Washington to action against DDT (or whatever).  I decided that water-saving is my religion - heck with the land-fills.  That can be YOUR mission.  Just make a decision.  

It'll all work out, don't worry.  I'm worrying enough about it for you.