'Tis the Season - The Sexiest Season of The Mall

I will confess something super private to you.  I do it because I care, sort of, but mostly because I want your approval and acceptance.  Not really, I could care less, but it's a really exciting time for me.  Santa Claus is not only coming to town, but he is here.

It is not the presents - although presents are lovely (you may mail them to my home address).  It's not getting together with family/"the inpatients" (Love you all, really I do and I admit, freely, that I'm as nuts as you are).  It isn't the smell of pine or the sound of whiny and unsatisfied children (although that's right up there).  It is Santa, himself.

I have a very healthy love obsession (my therapist told me so) with Santa.  Yeah, so, you can laugh...go ahead.  But I challenge you to think of the following adorable and sexy qualities which Santa possesses and not find yourself looking at Our Patron Saint of Jolliness, differently:

PREDICTABILITY
I like a lover upon whom I can count.  We all know when to expect Santa (when we're asleep on the night of the 24th - the morning of the 25th.  You may think it's kinda necro that he only shows up when we're all asleep, but I think it's super-hot).  We all know what he has to offer - or do we?  Yes, he is one hell of a gift-getter, but who knows what is in that suit?  Yummmmmy.  We know his flaws (he over-commits and over-does).  All told, he is one heck of a model of dependability and predictability. I'll have that with fries, please!

GREAT LISTENER
I have tested over 40 Santa-representatives at the mall and they all ask ME what I WANT.  Ergo, since they are representations of Santa, he must do the same.  If a=b, and b=c, then a=c; transitive property of equality, my friends (you have just used 9th grade Geometry, again - you're welcome).  Does your partner do that?  Maybe, I say.  Santa says it EVERY TIME.  "What do you want, Little Girl (tee-hee, he called me "little")?"  Whether it's uptown or downtown ALL my Santas put me first.

PHOTOGENIC
All 40 of my pictures with Santa are de-lish-us.  He looks great.  Damn it, if red fur isn't flattering  ...and don't get me started on those boots!  Grrrrrraaarr!

PROVEN ZOMBIE-MAKER
The real St. Nick resurrected some dead kids from a pickle barrel.  According to the saint-makers,  a creepy merchant kidnapped and chopped up some kids and put them in a pickle barrel (WTF?).  Saint claims have to be witnessed and verified, so this is true.  I saw it immortalized in a wood sculpture at the Met and in this picture.  I put it in here because I knew you wouldn't believe me and because I feel responsible for your art education (some of you really need me to be).

NEVER MOODY
He's jolly.  Everyone says so.  That is friggin' adorable.

SEXY TALKER
HO! HO! HO?  I think he means "Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!" That big minx! Treat me badly, big guy! Me-ow!

Sing with me and Mitch Miller, won't you?  If you don't know the song, I have provided you with a link.  My very wrong thoughts are included in parentheses.

Who's got a beard that's long and white?
Santa's got a beard that's long and white (beards are hot now and Santa's is no exception. I also feel certain that he cleans the cookies and candy canes out of it, religiously. It just seems like him.).

Who comes around on a special night?
Santa comes around on a special night (that would be my husband's bowling night).

Special Night, Beard that's White.
Must be Santa.  Must be Santa.  Must be Santa, Santa Claus (because there are no other
holiday animals, symbols or idols that are HALF as hot.  Easter Bunny?  Nope.  Buddha?  Lacking in style-sense.  Won't even consider Uncle Sam.).

Who wears boots and a suit that's red?
Santa wears boots and a suit that's red (if you put him in a fetish magazine it would sell out.  He would be both a "leather" and a "furry" - steamy!).

Who wears a cap that's long and red?
Santa wears a cap that's long and red (could anything be more rife with innuendo)?

Cap on head, suit that's red?
Must be Santa. Must be Santa. Must be Santa, Santa Claus (the pacing of this chorus is so very suggestive).

Okay, I'm done.  Just hoping I'm on the naughty list!
See ya in the mall and happy whatever.

PS.  I love this song, too.  "Backdoor Santa" by Clarence Carter.

How You Can Mess with Your OB-GYN - PART ONE

Every ten years or so, I really look forward to going to the OBGYN.   There are so many things that I enjoy about it but the best part is the hillbilly hijinx that it affords.

If you have hesitations about going, feel trepidation or even love the OBGYN, I hope this makes your trip that much more enjoyable.

BEFORE THE VISIT
Make sure you call and make several hundred appointments about three years before you need them.  Book ALL of August in 2023.  Just use fake names - that's what that big yellow book of phone numbers and names is for.  (Why make stuff up when there's real stuff you can just use?)  Now, you'll need some symptomology or some reason to make these appointments, so here are some of my favorites:

1) I think I lost something in there - "I can't find my keys/glasses/Susan B. Anthony dollar and I think they're/it's in there."  Do not deviate from this script.  Just keep saying, "I know I had them and the last time I saw them/it was near my...silly me!" Do not accept direction to the ER.  Just casually say, "Oh no, it's fine.  This can wait.  I already ordered new keys/glasses/a new Susan B. Anthony dollar.  It would just set my mind to rest."

2) Make use of the incredibly unpleasant person who answers the phone.  All unpleasant people go to work at the OBGYN, just FYI.  See, they need real gate-keepers because sick people might make their day real busy if they could just call and get all the appointments they needed.  It's kind of like converting to Judaism.  They expect you to try three times on the phone before you get in. When Ima Killjoy asks you why you need to see the doctor, just say, "I dunno, what vaginal issues do you have that I could use?"  I mean, it's not like, no matter what you say, she's going to be pleasant so you may as well have fun.

3) Is it supposed to talk?  Now, this one...you have to play it right.  If you over-do it, you're headed for the nut-hatch.  When Ima asks why you need to see the doctor, just say, "Ok, I know this is going to sound weird, but I think my vagina can talk. I mean, not like full sentences, but more like 'Hi!' I just want to make sure that's normal. You get me, right?"  Be prepared to be connected to the phone line that plays Olivia Newton John FOREVER on the first two or three calls.  It's not because they don't like you, it's just because their brain melted.

AT THE VISIT
I feel like I should patent these, so don't go trying to make it like you thought of them.  I mean, I want to share, but I think you should credit me, somehow.

GYN stands for "Get Your [own] Nightie - First up is dealing with the gowns.  Bring your own damned gown.  Make it as sexy as possible.  Treat this like the BEST date you'll ever go on (it costs more than most dates, after all).  I chose a purple, nipple cut-out satin thing from Frederick's.  I have to have a breast exam, so this makes it easy and I feel pretty.  Paper just does not do that.  Let's make this memorable for everyone, shall we?

Candy is dandy, but  - Speaking of memorable and dates...I like to bring cocktails in a thermos.  Look, my personal rule is:  nobody sees me naked without buying me a drink, first.  I know the doctor doesn't know this rule about me, so I try not to judge them.  I help them.  That's me.  I'm like that.  Which drink, you may ask?  Make your own decision.  I can't do it all for you.

J-E-L-L-O - No one enjoys being full of K-Y more than I do - because no one enjoys it.  So, let's revamp this a bit.  Let's put the ball in our court.  The tube of gel that they claim is heated, never is.  Why play a part in an unnecessary ruse, when there are ruses that are necessary?  I like to bring a portable camp stove and pot and put the tube of gel in the pot (with some water from the sink) and heat it my damned self.  You'll be sitting in the room for at least an hour (at -15 degrees Kelvin) ANYWAY, so make yourself comfortable.  Bring some marshmallows.  This is YOUR visit.  Own it.

Be Your Own Banksy - Banksy is a famous graffiti artist, for the unknowing.  I like to write important messages, messages that I think may help the GYN, me or both of us, on my thighsin Sharpie.  Don't start with the tacky ones that I know you're thinking of, right now.  This is SERIOUS.  Your VAGINA needs you.  I like to write things like, "My partner is an attorney"  or "This visit is being recorded."  That keeps us all on our best behavior.  More specific notes might include, "It's the middle one."  Nobody needs the wrong kind of exam at a time like this.  I also find, "You break it, you bought it" to be helpful.

I'm going to let you reflect on these, giving them your own "special" touches, while you await Part II.