How You Can Mess with Your OB-GYN - PART ONE

Every ten years or so, I really look forward to going to the OBGYN.   There are so many things that I enjoy about it but the best part is the hillbilly hijinx that it affords.

If you have hesitations about going, feel trepidation or even love the OBGYN, I hope this makes your trip that much more enjoyable.

BEFORE THE VISIT
Make sure you call and make several hundred appointments about three years before you need them.  Book ALL of August in 2023.  Just use fake names - that's what that big yellow book of phone numbers and names is for.  (Why make stuff up when there's real stuff you can just use?)  Now, you'll need some symptomology or some reason to make these appointments, so here are some of my favorites:

1) I think I lost something in there - "I can't find my keys/glasses/Susan B. Anthony dollar and I think they're/it's in there."  Do not deviate from this script.  Just keep saying, "I know I had them and the last time I saw them/it was near my...silly me!" Do not accept direction to the ER.  Just casually say, "Oh no, it's fine.  This can wait.  I already ordered new keys/glasses/a new Susan B. Anthony dollar.  It would just set my mind to rest."

2) Make use of the incredibly unpleasant person who answers the phone.  All unpleasant people go to work at the OBGYN, just FYI.  See, they need real gate-keepers because sick people might make their day real busy if they could just call and get all the appointments they needed.  It's kind of like converting to Judaism.  They expect you to try three times on the phone before you get in. When Ima Killjoy asks you why you need to see the doctor, just say, "I dunno, what vaginal issues do you have that I could use?"  I mean, it's not like, no matter what you say, she's going to be pleasant so you may as well have fun.

3) Is it supposed to talk?  Now, this one...you have to play it right.  If you over-do it, you're headed for the nut-hatch.  When Ima asks why you need to see the doctor, just say, "Ok, I know this is going to sound weird, but I think my vagina can talk. I mean, not like full sentences, but more like 'Hi!' I just want to make sure that's normal. You get me, right?"  Be prepared to be connected to the phone line that plays Olivia Newton John FOREVER on the first two or three calls.  It's not because they don't like you, it's just because their brain melted.

AT THE VISIT
I feel like I should patent these, so don't go trying to make it like you thought of them.  I mean, I want to share, but I think you should credit me, somehow.

GYN stands for "Get Your [own] Nightie - First up is dealing with the gowns.  Bring your own damned gown.  Make it as sexy as possible.  Treat this like the BEST date you'll ever go on (it costs more than most dates, after all).  I chose a purple, nipple cut-out satin thing from Frederick's.  I have to have a breast exam, so this makes it easy and I feel pretty.  Paper just does not do that.  Let's make this memorable for everyone, shall we?

Candy is dandy, but  - Speaking of memorable and dates...I like to bring cocktails in a thermos.  Look, my personal rule is:  nobody sees me naked without buying me a drink, first.  I know the doctor doesn't know this rule about me, so I try not to judge them.  I help them.  That's me.  I'm like that.  Which drink, you may ask?  Make your own decision.  I can't do it all for you.

J-E-L-L-O - No one enjoys being full of K-Y more than I do - because no one enjoys it.  So, let's revamp this a bit.  Let's put the ball in our court.  The tube of gel that they claim is heated, never is.  Why play a part in an unnecessary ruse, when there are ruses that are necessary?  I like to bring a portable camp stove and pot and put the tube of gel in the pot (with some water from the sink) and heat it my damned self.  You'll be sitting in the room for at least an hour (at -15 degrees Kelvin) ANYWAY, so make yourself comfortable.  Bring some marshmallows.  This is YOUR visit.  Own it.

Be Your Own Banksy - Banksy is a famous graffiti artist, for the unknowing.  I like to write important messages, messages that I think may help the GYN, me or both of us, on my thighsin Sharpie.  Don't start with the tacky ones that I know you're thinking of, right now.  This is SERIOUS.  Your VAGINA needs you.  I like to write things like, "My partner is an attorney"  or "This visit is being recorded."  That keeps us all on our best behavior.  More specific notes might include, "It's the middle one."  Nobody needs the wrong kind of exam at a time like this.  I also find, "You break it, you bought it" to be helpful.

I'm going to let you reflect on these, giving them your own "special" touches, while you await Part II.