It is not the presents - although presents are lovely (you may mail them to my home address). It's not getting together with family/"the inpatients" (Love you all, really I do and I admit, freely, that I'm as nuts as you are). It isn't the smell of pine or the sound of whiny and unsatisfied children (although that's right up there). It is Santa, himself.
I have a very healthy love obsession (my therapist told me so) with Santa. Yeah, so, you can laugh...go ahead. But I challenge you to think of the following adorable and sexy qualities which Santa possesses and not find yourself looking at Our Patron Saint of Jolliness, differently:
PREDICTABILITY
I like a lover upon whom I can count. We all know when to expect Santa (when we're asleep on the night of the 24th - the morning of the 25th. You may think it's kinda necro that he only shows up when we're all asleep, but I think it's super-hot). We all know what he has to offer - or do we? Yes, he is one hell of a gift-getter, but who knows what is in that suit? Yummmmmy. We know his flaws (he over-commits and over-does). All told, he is one heck of a model of dependability and predictability. I'll have that with fries, please!
GREAT LISTENER
I have tested over 40 Santa-representatives at the mall and they all ask ME what I WANT. Ergo, since they are representations of Santa, he must do the same. If a=b, and b=c, then a=c; transitive property of equality, my friends (you have just used 9th grade Geometry, again - you're welcome). Does your partner do that? Maybe, I say. Santa says it EVERY TIME. "What do you want, Little Girl (tee-hee, he called me "little")?" Whether it's uptown or downtown ALL my Santas put me first.
PHOTOGENIC
All 40 of my pictures with Santa are de-lish-us. He looks great. Damn it, if red fur isn't flattering ...and don't get me started on those boots! Grrrrrraaarr!
PROVEN ZOMBIE-MAKER
The real St. Nick resurrected some dead kids from a pickle barrel. According to the saint-makers, a creepy merchant kidnapped and chopped up some kids and put them in a pickle barrel (WTF?). Saint claims have to be witnessed and verified, so this is true. I saw it immortalized in a wood sculpture at the Met and in this picture. I put it in here because I knew you wouldn't believe me and because I feel responsible for your art education (some of you really need me to be).
NEVER MOODY
He's jolly. Everyone says so. That is friggin' adorable.
SEXY TALKER
HO! HO! HO? I think he means "Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!" That big minx! Treat me badly, big guy! Me-ow!
Sing with me and Mitch Miller, won't you? If you don't know the song, I have provided you with a link. My very wrong thoughts are included in parentheses.
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
Santa's got a beard that's long and white (beards are hot now and Santa's is no exception. I also feel certain that he cleans the cookies and candy canes out of it, religiously. It just seems like him.).
Who comes around on a special night?
Santa comes around on a special night (that would be my husband's bowling night).
Special Night, Beard that's White.
Must be Santa. Must be Santa. Must be Santa, Santa Claus (because there are no other
holiday animals, symbols or idols that are HALF as hot. Easter Bunny? Nope. Buddha? Lacking in style-sense. Won't even consider Uncle Sam.).
Who wears boots and a suit that's red?
Santa wears boots and a suit that's red (if you put him in a fetish magazine it would sell out. He would be both a "leather" and a "furry" - steamy!).
Who wears a cap that's long and red?
Santa wears a cap that's long and red (could anything be more rife with innuendo)?
Cap on head, suit that's red?
Must be Santa. Must be Santa. Must be Santa, Santa Claus (the pacing of this chorus is so very suggestive).
Okay, I'm done. Just hoping I'm on the naughty list!
See ya in the mall and happy whatever.
PS. I love this song, too. "Backdoor Santa" by Clarence Carter.
