Jobs I think I could do, and do better than the people who have them

It's getting ugly in here (inside my head). I'm starting to think about hostile take-overs in the job world. I have decided that I can do a bunch of jobs better than the people who are doing them now. So, if you're in one of these jobs, I would watch...my...back.


Caltech Informational Tech Support
When my dearest dear was a grad student there, we called them a plethera, myriad and bunch of times. Here's what they do:
"Uh, huh....Uh, huh....Uh, huh...reboot and call back." It is flippin' CALTECH and the computer support team just tells you to give yer computer the Vulcan Nerve Pinch? I can do that. I can EXCEL at that. I can even say that as though it is urgent. "HIT CONTROL ALT DELETE NOW!!!!!! HURRY!!!" That way, it sounds like it might actually be doing something or relate to your problem.


Home Depot Customer Service
Many of you many know of my recent rodent incident...eeeeoooo...shudder...pa-tooey. Here's what you get:
"Yes, can you give me the store number?" Whaaaa?

"Can you tell me what aisle you were in? No, the NUMBER of the aisle you were in?"

"Can you identify the species of mouse?"

"If you were traveling at eight miles per hour going south, and I was going 25 miles per hour going north..."

I can do this. I can do this in intelligible English. I can do this and serve my country, even.
Here's me: "Hey, did the mouse, you or anyone you know have links to Al Qaeda?" Secret shopper, HECK! I could be secret customer service agent.


Post Mortem Plastic Surgeon
Okay, I make this up, but I still think I could do it. So, somebody dies and the loved ones know they wanted to have a face lift, boob lift, whatever, but were never able to afford it. I could do it AFTER DEATH (leave a beautiful corpse, afterall), for cheap.
I have worked with enough Play Dough and bendy toys to get the effect right without all the nasty anesthesia, suture removal, etc. This is my "money maker" idea, so don't take it.


Break-up consultant
Again, I made this up, but wouldn't you hire me to do this? You have three levels of service to chose from:

1) The Gentle Let Down - I show up with a warm drink (coffee, cocoa, milk), some flowers and a song (I'll use some Burt Bacharach song, only change out the words "Love You" with "I've gotta go, but you take care now") and a conciliatory hug.


2) You did me Wrong - I show up (at their place of work) with a broken beer bottle, blacked out teeth, a Loretta Lynn wig, a bandana-print mid-drift, claiming to be "yer cousin from a-way down South" asking, "Why you a-dun this? What with the [baby/VD/kinky habits] you [made/gave/done on] my cousin?"


3) You are a psycho and will be treated as such - A restraining order is delivered (under a silver platter), with a bunch of small animals in cages for the subject to torment (in place of you). Cautionary flyers, with a current photo of your ex, are mysteriously dropped from every tall building in town. Your phone number, IP address, and place of residence are changed. The service culminates with psychological counseling for your repeated bad choices.

Wouldn't you pay for that?


I should be in a think tank for new job creation....or existing job acquisition. Maybe THAT could be my new job.
Someone call Obama.