Some of us are just more susceptible to the messages sent. Some take in the information and decide that there are mysterious armies out to get them. Some become overprotective with their children. I, as a researcher, take in every single bit of information - whether from news or fiction - and overidentify with it. It's just me. I'm more neurotic than you. I would welcome you, though, to come to my house in a crisis, because I have probably already prepared for it.
THE APOCALYPSE
I have learned an awful lot about the Apocalypse from books like "The Road" and movies like "The Pianist," "Night of the Living Dead" and "War of the Worlds." Here's what I have learned about end-of-the-world planning.
You need a can opener. Buy three good ones and put one in your car, one outside your house (so you can get it when you're running pel-mel thru the [your Apocalypse here]), and somewhere safe in your house (in case the [your natural disaster here] traps you inside). I have seen an awful lot of canned peaches and other delicious canned treats that would have made the difference between a "Good Apocalypse" and a "Bad Apocalypse" go unused or used with GREAT energy (that could have been used to thwart [your monster here]) because there wasn't a can opener. That's avoidable.
While we are on the topic of canned Apocalypse goods, make your choices carefully. Nobody really wants canned corn at the end of the world. Make sure you have some Hershey's Syrup and macaroons. They are delicious and can be divided among your survivors easily. Go ahead and store protein and veggies, but I'm betting you'll head for the caramel sauce and boxed wine when the [your gigantic flesh-eating insect here] comes.
Decide now which car you will take when you have your wits about you. I have made my husband discuss the merits of gas mileage, speed, storage and violence resistance. So, if its a matter of a natural disaster, we're taking the van. We can store more inside it and sleep in it.
If its zombies: take the sedan. Zombies don't run fast, but why risk it??? I'm hauling tail outta there. His sedan also gets better gas mileage so we'd make it farther away from [your brain-eating animal here].
If its the end of the world and we have to get to some destination to be saved, we need the van. I watched Tom Cruise try to get through an angry mob (of people who had NOT thought out their Apocalyptic car choice carefully enough - thank you very much) and they were hitting that van with bats and sticks. A sedan is not a good choice for that. It goes without saying that I tune my cars up regularly, because I will NOT be the sucker who has a dead battery when the [your medieval lizard here] comes.
NOW, if its an electro-magnetic Apocalypse, no car will work, so in winter, I will use sleds. They can carry stuff and can move tired children easily. Bikes in the summer with large comfortable backpacks.
Practice your jumping. I do. Wanna know why? Because you will need to jump from some bridge to some escape vehicle to live through the [your alien attack here]. There WILL be a boat that will ferry you to safety to which you will need to jump. There WILL be a helicopter that will come and only those who can "make" the net will survive. Trust me. I have seen it.
Gain LOTS of weight. Let's face it, the Apocalypse is not a time to discern. People start eating each other. The BEST thing you could do for your friends and family is to be a long-lasting, delicious piece of marbled meat. Not only will they be able to live off of you for a while, but fat stores easily, is high in monster-fighting calories, and it just says, "I care." If you can't bear to think of it that way, then you should realize that you are going to need fat stores when you're living on 6 saltines a week. Go ahead, skip a meal. You've got fat!
HEINOUS CRIME
If gangs store guns in the drop ceilings of every Burger King, why shouldn't I have a viable means of self-defense in every room of my house? My grandmother (who has a gun) kept a chainsaw in her bedroom. Do you know why? Well, if you were a burglar and you heard a chain saw coming down the hall, it may just give you pause. However, I do think that one should be creative about their defense.
Some [your deranged killers here] have serious mental illness. You don't wanna provoke them. So you should be prepared with a few character voices (a motherly voice, a doctor's voice, a demon's voice) that can "tell" them that "the house next door is a better target."
NOW, if its an electro-magnetic Apocalypse, no car will work, so in winter, I will use sleds. They can carry stuff and can move tired children easily. Bikes in the summer with large comfortable backpacks.
Practice your jumping. I do. Wanna know why? Because you will need to jump from some bridge to some escape vehicle to live through the [your alien attack here]. There WILL be a boat that will ferry you to safety to which you will need to jump. There WILL be a helicopter that will come and only those who can "make" the net will survive. Trust me. I have seen it.
Gain LOTS of weight. Let's face it, the Apocalypse is not a time to discern. People start eating each other. The BEST thing you could do for your friends and family is to be a long-lasting, delicious piece of marbled meat. Not only will they be able to live off of you for a while, but fat stores easily, is high in monster-fighting calories, and it just says, "I care." If you can't bear to think of it that way, then you should realize that you are going to need fat stores when you're living on 6 saltines a week. Go ahead, skip a meal. You've got fat!
HEINOUS CRIME
If gangs store guns in the drop ceilings of every Burger King, why shouldn't I have a viable means of self-defense in every room of my house? My grandmother (who has a gun) kept a chainsaw in her bedroom. Do you know why? Well, if you were a burglar and you heard a chain saw coming down the hall, it may just give you pause. However, I do think that one should be creative about their defense.
Some [your deranged killers here] have serious mental illness. You don't wanna provoke them. So you should be prepared with a few character voices (a motherly voice, a doctor's voice, a demon's voice) that can "tell" them that "the house next door is a better target."
Practice being a ventriloquist with these voices. Nobody, not even a [your wronged child turned psychotic killer here], likes a bad performance. Voices are free, don't require a license and could be used at parties - why not use them?
Now, a lot of people who have faced horrible crimes have made one BIG mistake. They were too clean. The police needed DNA to compare to stuff found in the [your wrongly released criminal here]'s car or house. They were caught as victims of their own cleanliness. You can come over to my house anytime and find plenty of hair in hairbrushes (I alternate cleaning them, so that one is always DNA-test ready), sometimes even nail clippings on the floor.
I also have voice samples of my children on the computer (so that the high-tech police squad, that has every device made, can match their voices to their phone calls), I regularly Sharpie-marker them with their address and insurance carrier (they forget easily in a kidnapping), and drive them far from home and have them direct me back - just to see if they know their way. There was some kid who was, like, 5 blocks from home and didn't know the way back. With just a little training, that child could have saved a lot of embarrassment and trouble.
Now, a lot of people who have faced horrible crimes have made one BIG mistake. They were too clean. The police needed DNA to compare to stuff found in the [your wrongly released criminal here]'s car or house. They were caught as victims of their own cleanliness. You can come over to my house anytime and find plenty of hair in hairbrushes (I alternate cleaning them, so that one is always DNA-test ready), sometimes even nail clippings on the floor.
I also have voice samples of my children on the computer (so that the high-tech police squad, that has every device made, can match their voices to their phone calls), I regularly Sharpie-marker them with their address and insurance carrier (they forget easily in a kidnapping), and drive them far from home and have them direct me back - just to see if they know their way. There was some kid who was, like, 5 blocks from home and didn't know the way back. With just a little training, that child could have saved a lot of embarrassment and trouble.
I could go on about a myriad of other plans I have, but I think you have the idea. The media can be friend or foe - or both. I have to admit that I stay up nights wondering if some kind of pesticide or household cleaner WOULD have killed "The Blob" but I am also betting that, when the outer-space, radio-active, psycho-killing, tidal waves come, you'll join me at my house for a hot buttered rum (I have a cans-only recipe).
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