New Year's Resolutions You CAN Keep!

The new year brings is supposed to bring us hope. There is nothing that leads to therapy more than the practice of making promises you'll never keep. So, let me make a few suggestions - I'm good at this.

Flip it 'till it Works

Lots of people make ridiculous resolutions about weight and vices. That's fine as long as you make the RIGHT resolutions. Try this: "I resolve to gain AS MUCH WEIGHT as possible this year! An ALL-TIME HIGH!!!!" Still superlative and, yet, enjoyably attainable.

The same goes for vices. If, before, you might have vowed to quit smoking, I think your new resolution should be: "I am going to smoke every single cigarette I find - whether they're in my purse, on the ground, in ashtrays, in other people's mouths...ALL OF THEM!" That is commitment, friends.

Being a Better Person

There are lots of ways to be a better person. One way is to make your emotions "work" for you. Now is the time to figure out how to make it sound like using your worst behaviors are, actually, good for the world. It's all about marketing.

For instance, this year, I resolve to answer my phone, by screaming at the top of my lungs, EVERY time someone who blocks their phone number calls my house. I believe that we should be dropping the tele-logical barriers that stand between the unblocked and the blocked to become a closer world. Kum-ba-flipping-ya.

Further, I am resolving to come up with creative, non-mother-related insults to hurl at my insurance company. I plan on researching other cultures' insults (e.g., Middle-Eastern, Russian), incorporating new vocabulary (e.g., Shakespearean English), and will grow in the process. The insurance company will appreciate my new "style," I think, because I have kind of gotten in a feces-based, copulation-mentioning rut with them. Win! Win!

Make a Non-Resolution

This should be something that no one could really argue with (or define - so don't get specific). but seems like you actually have a sense of commitment. So, for this year's non-resolution I have chosen: being the best grocery store customer EVER. I'm going to go to the store, shop AND pay! I will do this all year, I promise. Yea me! Some might define this differently, but I also resolve not to get caught in any resolution-misunderstandings or loopholes by discussing the actualities of my non-resolutions.

Make a Resolution that You Have Already Kept

Whammo! You're done! My already-done resolution is to be potty-trained. True, I mastered this as a two-year-old, but when the chips and the economy are down, I think it's harder and that should "count."

Aim low, rebrand, promise little and appreciate the little things - my tips for the successful new, new year you!