Once this hits Hollywood, they'll be no stopping it, so don't act like this is yours. I call it the "Baby Diet." Nope, I'm not talking pablum. I'm talking actually baby things. I feel obligated to remind you all that I am not a doctor, so don't blame me for any of the results from listening to me.
Baby Corn
It's so fun to nibble on it, isn't it? Who wouldn't want to use up a few extra calories dealing with it's little-baby-ness? Further, how much of that stuff can you really eat? Two or three tiny, baby ears? I bet that, you'll see a weight loss after 6 weeks of that stuff. It will be fun to take to work and eat in the lunchroom, though. Pat your belly after and say, "Phew, that's great corn!!!"
Baby Cow
Veal is yummy, filling and is still a baby, so it works! I really believe that eating baby things is the fountain of youth. They may be part of a fountain of youth that includes inhumane killing, but this is ABOUT YOU. Eat up! It's almost bikini season.
Baby Spinach
You dietitians out there know that we must eat our greens to stay healthy, so I threw this in. You will have loads of iron and you can cackle like Popeye after eating an entire bag of this tasty veg! That's about how much I need to feel like I actually ate anything. While this regime is not about portion control (or anything sensible, for that matter), don't look to baby spinach for a full tum-tum.
Sugar Babies
Yeah, okay, you try to eat just the stuff above. I'm gonna need Sugar Babies in an emergency, like when I eat baby corn and vomit, leaving me hungry again.
Baby Sheep
They are succulent, they represent Jesus and are great with Sugar Babies. Win, win and win! Don't feel at all guilty that they are cute as the dickens! In fact, in a meal of contrasts, you could eat a GIANT leg of lamb and tiny, baby peas. I call it my "Lilliputian pairing." You can use that term, too.
Baby Clams
I would never leave my friends of the sea out of this! Welcome, small and stench-riddled baby clams! There is always something, in every diet, that makes you undesirable. Anyone ever tried Ally? How about Slimfast? Good Lord. I would rather be fat. Ever make that sudden "fiber shift" that most diets recommend? How sexy are you then? In honor of all of this, I present you with (trumpets wailing) BABY CLAMS. You'll smell during and after eating them! Hurrah!
Baby Gouda
You need calcium; really, you do. What's the point of being thin if you're a hunch-back? You may substitute Baby Swiss for variety. See how much better (or at least not any worse) I am than your nutritionist?
Dutch Baby
You deserve a nice dessert after all the hard work of dieting. Sit down, grab a "baby [diet] blanket (registered trademark, available through my online marketing team)," and eat your Dutch Baby. Mommy loves you. [That should take a few pounds off, right there, if the theorists who say we are often "eating to fill a void" are right. Although, isn't a stomach a void? It's a bag, after all.]
Baby Beer
What kind of fad diet would this be without liquor? A bad one, to answer my own question. So, I found this for all of us: http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink1t2s663.html.
Again, I am not making any claims, I'm just saying that if you have to be on a fad diet, this one is as good as any and will, certainly, be more fun. To make it really "feel" right, no matter what your size or shape now, you can always tell people (as I do) that you just lost 56 pounds (pick an uncommon number, not 50 or 55, it sounds better) on the "Baby Diet." People can always deal with a fat person who has just lost weight, better than one who has just gained it. Plus, it will advertise my blog.
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