The Loneliest Job

If you're a baby and can't talk about things that are disgusting, you may not like this post.

I am prepared to give you the inside scoop on the most personal workings of the female persona.  Not that - bathroom habits.  But, don't worry, I am treating this like a Mutual of Omaha, only my hair isn't as good as Marlin Perkins' and  I don't have a "Jim" to wrestle the anaconda (see euphemism below - you'll get it later).  We'll talk a little theory; we'll use a little behavioral observation.  You'll learn something about yourself, but mostly about me.

 Marlin Perkins and Jim 

The Research
I have done extensive research on this, asking tens of woman, about their potty habits.  I did this because: 1) I'm neurotic and 2) I care about you and don't want you walking around with false information.  The average woman, from my research, walks approximately an eighth of a mile to express her bowels at work.   Let the conversation begin.

Why?
I live with a dyed-in-the-cloth Darwinian, so I'm going to go with the evolutionary answer first.   Don't "pinch a loaf" where you live.  When we were heavy-browed, cave-dwellers, it would have been poor form.  I believe those cave-peeps who were "in-cave-poopers" were probably bludgeoned to death by their peers, and so their genes have not survived.

We have also evolved to have smell-shame and aversion, which is also evolutionary, but I think Bath and Body Works may have something to do with that, too.

Now that I have indefatigably established that we are distance "go-ers," let me talk about the ways in which, once she has to "wrestle a brown snake," the typical woman behaves  - or should behave.

The "Typical" 
Go as far as you can, without it counting as a coffee break, to an under-utilized bathroom.  Try to pick an off-hour.  Do not come out of your stall, if someone enters the bathroom, until they have left or are securely in their own stall.  You are usually in the stall on the end.  When you are "discovered" you apologize, whether through act or word.  I've seen it a hundred times.

My Version or "How Can I Achieve the Perfect Stealthdoodie or Deal with the Consequences"
Revenge Scatting, "Toys" and Staking Your Claim
Finding your "litterbox" is key.  It may take a while but I have found that, with careful observation and tracking of the bathroom habits of your co-workers (any Spreadsheet will do), you can find an isolated stall and coordinate your "needs."  

Make sure it's amongst coworkers who do not know you.  Try a different floor or department.  What's funny is: I have seen some woman from a department UNKNOWN come to my cellblock who, I am certain, is "revenge scatting" in my local bathroom.  She is so on my list.


Now, what if you find a nice, semi-close space and then someone else does, too?  It's time for a show-down.  It may need to involve lots of cumin in your diet.  That is all I am saying.  Coordinate your timing so that you are just 10 minutes before the claims-rusher.  Give it your all and do not flush.  There, I said it.  Know that I only said it for you.


Alternatively, you can bring in an adult "toy" of the opposite gender (if you get me) and wait in the stall for your foe.  When they are settled in, just drop the toy on the floor, say, "Oopsy!" and run.  They will never come in there again.

You now have your own space.  If you can't do this, you may need these next tips.

Doodle Shoes
This is my name for the shoes I wear to the stall.  Men, generally, have two pairs of shoes and are, therefore, indistinct when they go for "a sit down."  Women, on the other hand, strive to have the perfect, most unique footwear.  It's a mistake in the bathroom.  If you go in with these:

everyone will know who you are and what you have done.  This is not what gets you a promotion.

This is why I have Doodle Shoes.  I keep them in my purse and put them on in the stall ONLY.  They look like this:

Do what you will, when you are anonymous, I say!  Every woman checks out the shoes when they go into the bathroom, trying to determine who to blame for the horrors.  Go ahead.  See if you ever find me, based upon my shoes.  I bet you don't.

Alternatively, and because I know we all can't have pairs of useless shoes, you can just lift your feet.  People may jiggle your door, though, potentially.

The Continuous Flush
I am fortunate in having old toilets in my building that will flush as long as you hold them down.  If you want to send a message when you're "dropping the kids off at the pool,"  just hold the handle down for an eternity.  It says, "something is wrong...very wrong."  More than a courtesy flush, it conveys danger.  I like that.  People often turn around seeking facilities, when confronted with this.  That's good.

Own It
Sometimes, there is no avoiding discovery.  You can wear the doodle shoes, you could have picked the condemned bathroom (you can make a condemned sign, now that I think of it), work on your timing, but still, someone will have an errant burrito or bad creamer or even be staking out their own poo zone.

You may have to just own it - but when you do so, own it big.  You may say things like, "WOW.  That wasn't healthy!" or, contrarily, "That was magnificent!"  Try,  "I hope THAT doesn't happen again."

You can also laugh nervously and say, "My partner beats me."  Does it explain things?  No.  Will it get you out of the situation?  Yes.

There is a book entitled "Everyone Poops."  Yes, that is true, however, not everyone needs to know you do.